The Other City
by giantessmess
Summary: There is another side to New York City that people with happier lives seem to miss. There's also more to Olivia Benson. Amanda Rollins wants to know, would rather know Olivia and know the horrible truths than pretend them away. Will Olivia let her?
1. Chapter 1

The silence of the street outside the bar left a ringing in Amanda's ears. Her throat hurt from talking too long, too loud. From being just plain tired. Other parts of her hurt too. Her stomach. Her mouth—her entire face really. It hurt from not quite knowing how to carry herself around Olivia. Smile? No, not too much. Wait, now you're frowning. Try not to be so damn obvious.

"Thank God," Olivia said, taking a breath. The air wasn't particularly fresh out there on the sidewalk but Amanda got her point. "Now I can hear myself think."

"Yeah, well. I'm not really ready to start tomorrow all over again," Amanda said, hearing the way her voice went up at the end. She was relieved when Olivia nodded.

"I know what you mean."

They started to walk aimlessly until it seemed they were drifting towards the park. Amanda looked around.

"It's kinda hard to get anywhere near Central Park at night without thinkin' about it. A case, I mean."

Olivia stared over at her and Amanda closed her eyes, wanting to shake her head. But then Olivia let out a breath.

"No, you're right, and it doesn't get much easier," She stopped at a park bench but they didn't sit. Olivia put her hands deep into her jean pockets and Amanda tried not to stare. "It may sound strange, but it's like there's more than one New York. You know? There's the New York I work in, and the one I wish I lived in."

Amanda gave the bench a dust-off and sat. It immediately made her cold. She rubbed her arms. Her legs.

"Pretty philosophical for a Tuesday night."

Olivia gave her a look, but seemed to relax when she saw no sting in Amanda's smile.

"You asked a serious question, I gave a serious answer."

She sat too, tilting her head upwards. It wasn't too cloudy, but even on a good night the stars never did feel like competing with the city. Amanda watched Olivia instead of the skies, wondering what it was Olivia saw—if she knew enough about the constellations to fill in the blanks for the dim stars that couldn't make it through.

"This other New York," Amanda said. "Is it nice?"

"Oh, yeah," Olivia said. "The weather's always beautiful. Bad things never happen to good people. Puppies live forever. The tooth fairy's real too."

"Now, hey," Amanda said. "If you asked Nick's little girl she'd swear black an' blue that the tooth fairy's been in her bedroom."

That earned her a smile.

"I guess I think about this other New York on bad days," Olivia said. "Because people always seem to think they live in it, until something terrible happens and they wind up in our squad room."

"I get that," Amanda said. "You never think anythin' can happen to you until it does. Before that it's just other people."

Olivia seemed to be thinking on that. She wasn't looking up anymore, just straight ahead at some unseeable thing in the distance.

"Can you ever go back there?" Amanda asked. Olivia turned to her with a slight frown so she added. "The other New York. Can you go back?"

"After?"

"Yeah. After that. When you're hurt."

"No," Olivia said.

"That's pretty damn sad," Amanda's hands were starting to sting from the cold. And her nose. She crossed her arms. "And I don't agree."

Olivia's laugh surprised her.

"You never even knew about the other New York until just now."

"Sure I did, little miss philosopher," she said. "It's called childhood. Innocence. Everyone's been there."

"Not everyone."

"Most people then," Amanda sighed. She stood up, and tried to move on the spot a little to bring some warmth back.

"You're cold," Olivia said. "We should go."

"I'm happy to walk a little more, it's just all this stayin' still."

"Sorry for getting so morose," Olivia shrugged.

"Don't be. I started you off."

They made their way back to the busy street without really talking about it, meaning this was it. This was over, whatever it was. Night time philosophy with Olivia Benson. Cynicism 101. But Olivia hesitated before waving down a cab.

"You really believe that, don't you?"

The question confused Amanda for a second before she thought back and back, and settled into the groove of what they'd been talking about. Arguing? Disagreeing.

"Look, I'm no idiot," she said back. "I know some damage is there to stay. But not everything gets the life sucked out of it, Olivia."

"Where…" Olivia seemed to be searching her face for it, this other place. "Where is it?"

"It's there, ok? It's right in front of you," she said, but her insides hurt a little because Olivia wasn't looking away. "Even if you can't go back and live in your so-called other New York, it's not like you don't get a glimpse of it every now and then."

"And the tooth fairy," Olivia said, smiling a little.

"Yeah, and your goddamn immortal puppies too."

Olivia's laugh made her face look completely different. The smile that followed gave her eyes an extra something that Amanda couldn't name. A look that lingered. There was a moment then, something small that made Amanda aware of how fast her heart was beating and of the pulse in her temple that began to throb. Olivia licked her lips. Swallowed.

"Pretty philosophical for a Tuesday night," she said. Amanda felt herself blush, grateful for the dimness of the streetlights.

"Yeah," was all she could manage back.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia marched towards Amanda's desk the next day, carrying a police file that looked mighty thin. She slapped the file down and gave Amanda a nod that served as a substitute for a hello.

"We're up."

"Wait," Amanda blinked. "What?"

"You know, Fin's in court. Nick's at a training conference."  
Olivia shrugged, giving her head a sideways nod.

"Guess you're stuck with me."

"Day's lookin' sweet, then."

Olivia raised her eyebrows and Amanda closed her eyes for a second.

"God. I said that out loud, didn't I?"

"Yeah," Olivia said, but she was smiling. "Come on, I'll buy you coffee on the way."

* * *

It was a quiet drive, the air charged. Amanda couldn't decide if it was awkward or something a little better. She swallowed, playing with her fingers nervously. Thinking about kissing Olivia while she was a short distance away, gripping the steering wheel was a bad idea. Olivia glanced at her briefly and managed to catch her staring.

In the busy diner, Olivia obtained the steaming coffees. She seemed careful not to brush fingers as she passed it to Amanda, who blew on hers before stirring. She took a small sip after fastening on the lid. When they walked the distance to the car they talked briefly about the new case. It was back to business as if there was nothing strange in the air, like the static electricity generated by two people not willing to stare at each other for too long. They spent a great deal of time at the surrounding apartments to the scene, going door to door to narrow down a witness. Nobody seemed to know anything, no matter how many apartments they knocked on.

"Great neighbourhood," Amanda muttered, once they'd struck out yet another time.

Olivia sighed.

"Gotta love the bystander effect."

"I just don't get it. There's someone right outside your window screamin' and dying. You, what—turn over and put the pillow over your head?"

"Well, I know I wouldn't."

"This is where you mention your other city, isn't it?" Amanda said, rolling her eyes. "I bet this other New York doesn't have shitty neighbours. "

Olivia didn't reply right away. They made their way down through the foyer, through the doors and into the cold air. Amanda felt nervous, before she noticed that Olivia's face had gone a little red.

"I sounded a little deranged, didn't I?"

"Last night?" Amanda shrugged like it was no big. When Olivia didn't say anything else Amanda tried to sound casual. "You didn't say anythin' embarrassing."

Olivia didn't reply, but Amanda saw uncertainty in her face. Edginess, but not irritation, as if they were having a conversation Olivia wasn't sure how to finish. That made two of them.

"Look," Amanda said. "That was a bust back there. Want to catch a quick lunch before we try a new tack?"

Olivia let out a breath, one that she must have been holding for too long.

"Sure."

They made it to the car, Olivia sidling into the driver's seat. She hesitated with her hand on the gear-stick. Amanda wasn't thinking, because she found herself putting her own hand over Olivia's. The touch felt charged, and Olivia seemed to flinch.

"It's ok, you know."

Olivia stared at her, but not with confusion. Hesitation. Amanda swallowed, not managing to resist the inclination to brush a few of Olivia's hairs behind her ear. The kiss happened so quickly, so easily. Amanda only had to lean forward and capture Olivia's lips with her own. Olivia kissed back to begin with, softly, her tongue sending a shiver through Amanda that she could feel to her toes.

Then Olivia pulled away. Her eyes were wide.

"I…"

"You don't…"

They both stopped and took a moment. But Olivia shook her head.

"We can't… this isn't…"

"You're Nick's partner, not mine, Olivia."

"Even so."

Amanda searched Olivia's face, shaking her own head as she smiled warily. Even though she knew better, she surely had to know better, she drew Olivia into another kiss. Olivia didn't protest or object, her mouth moving against Amanda's with a small sound escaping her lips. But when they pulled apart Olivia closed her eyes.

"Let's grab that bite to eat and get back into the case, alright?"

"Olivia."

"This shit gets complicated, Amanda."

"I'm sure. Like so much of life."

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

Olivia may have smiled, but it seemed she was uncomfortable. Amanda leant back in her own seat and gave her hand a wave, indicating at something past the windshield.

"Ok, let's go then."


	3. Chapter 3

There wasn't much to say, Olivia made sure of that. Their shift continued—not as if nothing had happened, but with a tension that sat on the surface of everything like so much crud on water. Olivia wasn't rude, but she didn't let her guard down enough to share so much as a smile with Amanda. Of course, it wasn't as if they were selling Girl Scout cookies. A woman had been raped and murdered walking home to her own building. Nobody heard, nobody saw. Nobody was coming forward to say a single thing. So they had to put on their best faces and interview the parents. The ex-boyfriend. The best friend. I am so sorry for your loss, said so many times that the meaning of it got stuck in Amanda's teeth. It churned inside her gut. How much more than sorry was there? After each interview she exchanged a look, a few words and not much else with Olivia.

The day dragged on back at the station as they read through piles of the victim's paperwork, none of it very illuminating. Amanda slid back the chair of her desk and put her hands up in defeat.

"This is bullshit. I'm done for the day."

Olivia sighed in response, but didn't say anything. She was still sitting, but there was something off in her posture. A tiredness, or maybe a resignation.

"How can you not wanna punch a wall after today"' Amanda asked.

"Who says I don't?"

Amanda shook her head and stood, grabbing her locker keys.

"I need to down at least two shots for every crappy lead we got," she said.

"Sounds like a recipe for alcohol poisoning to me," Olivia said, but when Amanda turned to her with a retort she was surprised that Olivia was smiling—not very much and tiredly. But it was there.

"Seeya tomorrow," Amanda said.

Olivia nodded.

* * *

Her apartment was dark and smelt like several days' worth of old takeout. Amanda threw her keys onto the counter and screwed up her face, going straight to the cupboard over her fridge. Vodka would do. She knocked a couple of shots back and took the bottle and glass to the couch, kicking her shoes off. TV on. She sank backwards into the cushions with a sigh. She only realized she'd nodded off after being woken by the persistent trilling of her cell. Reaching for it, she swallowed the fog of tiredness and managed to mutter out a single word.

"Olivia?"

"God, I woke you."

She blinked at the images flashing on the TV in front of her, not at all in sync with what she'd been watching.

"No—I mean, well, yeah." she said. "Everything ok?"

There was a pause before Olivia answered.

"I wanted to apologize for today."

"No, you don't need to. It's fine."

"Let me get the words out at least, Amanda."

"Sure, alright."

She waited, but Olivia let out a breath like she didn't really know what to say. Amanda raised her eyebrows.

"Jesus, not all at once. I can't keep up."

"Ok," she heard Olivia laugh nervously on the other end. "I thought…I hoped maybe I could apologize in person?"

Amanda could suddenly feel the heartbeat thudding in her own throat. She heard herself agreeing. Suddenly, she was wide-awake.

The first thing she did was offer Olivia a shot of vodka. It seemed the thing to take the edge off the tension, but Olivia frowned and shook her head.

"I'm right."

Amanda shrugged. She slid the full shot glass onto the kitchen counter and watched as the vodka wobbled back and forth, spilling a little over the side.

"So," she said.

"Ok,' Olivia said. "Ok."

They didn't move from the kitchen, standing a little way from each other. She crossed her arms and looked at Olivia. She hadn't changed out of her jeans and shirt, her jacket slung over her arm. Amanda nodded at the chair over by the counter and Olivia dumped the jacket without a word, but afterwards she seemed at a loss with what to do with her hands.

"You're sorry," Amanda said. "Care to elaborate?"

Olivia let out a breath.

"I didn't mean to be such a bitch about it."

"When you kissed me."

"No, I mean," Olivia tilted her head a little. "You're the one who kissed me, if you recall."

"Right, but you kissed back. Twice, Olivia."

Olivia nodded, but it seemed to be an unconscious gesture rather than one out of agreement. Amanda pursed her lips.

"This is a pretty shitty apology so far."

"Ok, I know," Olivia held her hand up. "I'm working up to it."

"Did you really need to come over for this? Because if things weren't awkward before…"

"That's why I didn't want to…do anything."

"Well you did. Twice."

"Ok. But I didn't start it."

"Sure, we've established that," Amanda said. "I really was asleep when you called, you know. I could be sleepin' now."

"I am sorry, Amanda."

"Yeah, but what for?" Amanda frowned. She eyed the vodka shot, wanting it more than she'd ever wanted anything. Instead of downing it she let out a slow breath. "Tell me what you want to accomplish here, Olivia."

"I want…" Olivia shook her head. "I thought…"

"You…I mean, you didn't come here to kiss me, did you?" Amanda said, smiling a little. Olivia sighed, shaking her head.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

Olivia seemed a little shocked by this revelation about herself.

"I don't."

Amanda nodded. She looked closely at Olivia, watching as the uncertainty on her face turned into something else. Something closer to wanting, but maybe that was just wishful thinking.

"Well, if we were in your magical other New York, would you wanna kiss me?"

This seemed to take Olivia by surprise, because she let out a small laugh, looking over at Amanda with something akin to appreciation.

"I didn't say it was magical."

"Puppies don't die there. That's not magic?"

"No, that's just common decency."

Amanda laughed.

"Right."

"And maybe," Olivia said, after a breath.

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe, maybe if we were there…" she shook her head. "God, I'm bad at this."

"I dunno," Amanda said. "You're doin' better than you were when you first came through the door."

It was the way Olivia was looking at her, the short distance between them that Olivia closed after a few small steps. Amanda could feel the tension shift in the kitchen, or maybe it was that nagging pain in her chest that gave way to a lightness. A different pain, but not one that was wholly unpleasant. It made her nervous, and she had to remind herself that she wanted this, if this was what it looked like. Olivia was hesitant, gentle even, as she cupped the side of Amanda's face. As she brought their lips together, briefly, in a kiss that felt more like a single touch. Olivia tilted her head back to study the look on Amanda's face. To make sure it was ok. Amanda swallowed, trying to see the same as she looked at Olivia.

"You sure?" she heard herself ask, but her voice came out in a whisper. Olivia licked her lips, and smiled a small smile.

"Are you?"

Amanda nodded. She blinked something back, a tiny shiver of fear.

"You're not gonna, I dunno…disappear back to that shitty other New York and leave me here?"

Olivia let out a breath that was also a laugh. Amanda felt the warmth of it against her face, as Olivia kissed her again.


End file.
